


the memerauders chat

by hypocorism, reachthetree



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Puns, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Meme, Memes, Mutual Pining, Sexual Content, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 19:20:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10472262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypocorism/pseuds/hypocorism, https://archiveofourown.org/users/reachthetree/pseuds/reachthetree
Summary: bantlers: this is the part where u go “ya wow sorry prongs thank u for saving my pathetic pining arse w a nicely timed nude”fknserious: its starting to occur to me that maybe sending out mass nudes was not the best way to seduce moonybantlers: yea bc you sent them to everYONE EXCEPT HIM-Modern texting au with magic featuring puns, a betting pool, crop tops, and too many nudes, aka all the good things in life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Character/Chat Names:  
> Sirius (fknserious)  
> James (bantlers)  
> Lily (roaringred)  
> Remus (moonshine/fuckinsirius)  
> Marlene (mmarls)  
> Dorcas (tractsofland)  
> Mary (verymerry)

**starbux**

fknserious: wait so now that u and lily are Officially Partner Status (its weird that you made her put that on facebook, by the way) are you not allowed to keep secrets from her  
bantlers: a of all um YA DUH i made her put it on fb everyone needs 2 know that prongs landed the best girl in the world??  
fknserious: gross  
bantlers: jealous  
bantlers: b of all i wasn't allowed to before now either  
fknserious: wait like  
fknserious: stuff about me??  
bantlers: i love how thats where your mind instantly goes  
fknserious: im the most important part of your life so duh  
bantlers: tru  
bantlers: what kind of stuff about you?  
fknserious: IDK PRIVATE STUFF  
bantlers: im not gonna lie to you pads  
bantlers: lily probably knows  
fknserious: you aren't my best friend anymore  
bantlers: im devastated

(10 minutes later)

bantlers: wait you were kidding right???  
bantlers: he was kidding.

*

**starflower**

fknserious: hey so  
fknserious: casual type question  
roaringred: yes i know about your collar kink  
roaringred: no it was not at all surprising  
fknserious: cool ok  
roaringred: you're literally a dog lmao  
fknserious: YOU DONT KNOW ME EVANS  
roaringred: if it helps ill tell u an embarrassing story about james  
fknserious: yes that would help actually  
fknserious: except i know all of james' embarrassing stories  
roaringred: nah this just happened like 20 min ago  
fknserious: do tell  
roaringred: ok so he saw a deer outside and yelled "MY PEOPLE" and ran out in his boxers to try and get a pic  
fknserious: so far so boring he has done this thousands of times  
roaringred: i know. has he done that thing where he gets sad drunk and then makes you look at pictures of them and talk about the tragic destruction of their natural habitat??  
fknserious: yup  
fknserious: didnt he do that on your third date  
roaringred: why am i with him  
fknserious: no idea  
roaringred: anyway then the deer ran away and he tripped over a tree root and accidentally snapped a picture of himself falling over  
roaringred: im having it framed  
fknserious: you are the best girlfriend in the world  
roaringred: i know right

*

**$$wolf$$**

bantlers: moony everyone is being mean to me  
moonshine: is it bc you commented "STAG AND DOE: LYFE PARTNERZ" on lily's facebook status  
bantlers: NO  
bantlers: lily thought it was cute  
moonshine: doubtful  
moonshine: ok why are they being mean to you james  
bantlers: i fell over while trying to get a picture of a deer  
moonshine: of course you did  
bantlers: *mad emoji**crying emoji*  
moonshine: do you want to borrow some of my sparkly plasters  
bantlers: yes that would help thank you

*

**un-common room**

bantlers: moony has healed my wounds im better now NO THANKS TO MY SUPPOSED PARTNER AND SUPPOSED BEST FRIEND  
roaringred: hey while ur out can you buy more milk i drank the last of urs this morning and sirius gets pissy if he doesn't have it for his am tea  
bantlers: stop milking me!! im injured  
fknserious: wait why wasn't i invited to the party at moony's??  
fknserious: and it's not proper tea without milk and lemon?? step off evans  
moonshine: icb your idea of a party is 'showing up bleeding on remus' doorstep and leaving covered in far too many glitter bandages'  
fknserious: sounds like a good time to me  
fknserious: #throwback2thefull  
moonshine: excuse u those were hello kitty plasters  
bantlers: um why didn't i get offered hello kitty as an option??  
moonshine: they're only for werewolves. if you wear hello kitty as a nonwerewolf you're appropriating lycanthrope culture and need to check ur privilege  
moonshine: also your spirit is glittery  
bantlers: thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me  
roaringred: wow! what about 'yes we can roleplay that'  
moonshine: pls do not give us any more information  
moonshine: i will leave this chat  
fknserious: oh she agreed? n*ce  
roaringred: pls sirius i know he hid in the bathroom and texted you abt it immediately after  
bantlers: i was very complementary  
fknserious: he was  
roaringred: yeah yeah im great at sex i kno  
moonshine: pls i dont want to think about any of you having sex thank  
roaringred: jealous  
roaringred: oh ps i need my space leggings back i just bought a top and i wanna wear them tomorrow  
moonshine: even tho prongs was JUST HERE and could have taken them you're telling me this now  
roaringred: you live 2 minutes away  
roaringred: and i have chocolateeeee  
moonshine: finE give me 10 min i need to put on real clothes

*

**starbux**

bantlers: are you having a meltdown  
fknserious: no  
fknserious: maYBE  
bantlers: ok breathe  
fknserious: DO YOU THINK HE MEANT ME TOO OR JUST YOU AND LILY  
bantlers: that is not breathing  
fknserious: well you know what prongs breathing is a challenge when im dying to trip and fall on his dick but it looks like hed just look at me like dirt and probably kick me in the ribs???  
bantlers: a of all i think thats a pretty big leap 2ndly have you tried talking to him  
fknserious: I DONT KNOW JAMES WHAT DO YOU THINK  
bantlers: im guessing no  
fknserious: IT ONLY TOOK ME 2 YEARS TO TELL YOU BUT SURE!! WHY NOT 'JUST TALK TO HIM'  
bantlers: sirius i love you but it's been almost a month and all you've done is leave me increasingly sad midnight voicemails from the other room. theres only so many times u can listen to descriptions of someone's ass no matter how poetic they are  
fknserious: his ass is pretty poetic  
bantlers: not what i meant  
fknserious: take ur domestic bliss and leave me alone to die  
fknserious: ps he just sent me a pic of him in the space leggings?????  
fknserious: i want those legs wrapped around my head  
bantlers: i know sugar biscuit you've said  
bantlers: repeatedly  
fknserious: WELL I WANT IT REPEATEDLY  
bantlers: lily asked why you keep sexting me  
fknserious: WAIT  
fknserious: please tell me you didnt tell her about my completely minor and easily ignorable crush on remus  
bantlers: im not even touching that  
bantlers: but no i didn't tell her bc you said not to!  
fknserious: well you said no secrets & you told her abt the collar thing??  
bantlers: padfoot you posted pics of stealth collars on your public twitter and tagged it #daddyplsbuymethis  
fknserious: whatEVER  
fknserious: just tell her youre practicing your seduction  
bantlers: psh like that's believable

*

**un-common room**

fknserious: hey lily would you say prongs needs to practice his seduction techniques  
roaringred: two days ago he said 'hey look at these new boxers i got' and then took off all his clothes  
roaringred: so yeah  
fknserious: i rest my case  
bantlers: i would like to point out that it worked  
roaringred: thats cuz you're hot not bc either the line or the star wars boxers ""worked""  
bantlers: *mad emoji*

*

**starbux**

bantlers: FINE  
bantlers: YOU WIN THIS ROUND  
fknserious: ;) what r u wearing? ;)  
bantlers: text it to moony  
fknserious: leave me alone!!  
fknserious: i like one boy  
bantlers: the sexting gives me an idea tho...  
fknserious: your ideas are always terrible  
fknserious: im in

*

**un-common room**

bantlers: you'll never guess what i'm wearing ;)  
bantlers: that's right, nothing   
moonshine: what have we ever done to you  
roaringred: did you mean for this to be in the group chat......  
fknserious: lmao your smoothness is truly STAGgering *sunglasses emoji*  
moonshine: maybe you two should get a private convo.  
roaringred: don't worry, they already do. mr bantlers is taking nudes as we speak  
moonshine: i wonder what it would be like to have friends with chill

*

**starbux**

bantlers: (censored)  
fknserious: see, this is why i’m friends with you. makes me feel so good abt myself  
bantlers: fuck off  
fknserious: :) love u  
fknserious: i love that u try but we gotta step up our game in the group chat if we’re gonna make the mission a success  
bantlers: EXCUSE U  
bantlers: i’m pulling ALL the weight in this operation and it’s not even for me, how about YOU step your game up you pining piece of shit  
fknserious: we’re going for SUBTLETY here, which i know is a foreign concept to you, but look it up and get back to me  
fknserious: don’t forget how i assisted you when you were on a similar mission  
bantlers:   
bantlers: hello black pot  
fknserious: :)  
fknserious: 420 face it

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: hey do u want to see prongs nudes  
moonshine: …  
moonshine: i’m about to regardless aren’t i  
fknserious: (censored)  
moonshine: 5/10. bad lighting, unflattering angle, those 5 points are only bc i love him  
fknserious: WOW. SAVAGE.  
moonshine: you lot bring out the worst in me  
fknserious: that’s the goal, yes :)

 

**tag urself im queer and tired**

fknserious: i think im gonna make eggs for breakfast  
moonshine: for everyone? or why is this in the group chat  
bantlers: nice one! do u need a pan for that?  
fknserious: nah im fine i already have a hot pan w me at all times ;)  
roaringred: why cant you two help each other wank privately  
fknserious: who says we dont  
bantlers: the world shouldnt be deprived of our great puns hun  
fknserious: his anaconda dont want none unless u got puns hun  
roaringred: remus can i come to urs  
moonshine: ofc darling just wait a mo while i put clothes on

*

**starflower**

fknserious: why are u like this

*

**bambi deserved better**

bantlers: not to be clingy but when are u coming back  
bantlers: were all done punning and we cleaned up our jizz so its safe  
bantlers: (jokng there was no jizz)  
roaringred: were in the middle of the wizard of oz ill come back when its over  
roaringred: try not to expire without me  
bantlers: ill do my best <3

*

**lions den**

moonshine: have u noticed anything weird going on w prongs n pads in the group chat lately  
roaringred: ??? u mean more than usual  
moonshine: lol fair point but. yes? is it just me?  
roaringred: tbh i think it’s fairly in character but i’ve never known them to actually exchange nudes before so you may have a point there  
roaringred: why? is it bothering you?  
moonshine: eh  
moonshine: i chose this flirty as fuck friend group, i made this bed and apparently we’re all looking at prongs naked in it  
roaringred: you saw it too???   
roaringred: you’d think he’d share his nudes with his actual gf but i guess that’s not important  
moonshine: if it helps it wasn’t that great  
roaringred: lmao. i’m teaching him to take selfies but we haven’t gotten that advanced yet  
moonshine: good luck w that  
roaringred: i sense sarcasm,  
moonshine: sarcastic? me? wherever would you get that idea  
roaringred: idk ur whole personality?   
moonshine: anyway,  
roaringred: *sunglasses emoji*  
moonshine: but rly. can you ask the p’s what’s up? but like. not obviously  
roaringred: PLEASE. i am the master of covert missions. stealth is my middle name. i will get that info to you if it kills me  
moonshine: i appreciate ur enthusiasm but dont die on my account itd look so bad on my linkedin  
roaringred: love u too !

*

**starflower**

fknserious: hello my beautiful angel  
fknserious: not just one flower but a whole bouquet  
roaringred: what do you want  
fknserious: merely to praise one of my best friends??? i can’t do that???  
roaringred: i know you love me but i also know you. spit it out  
fknserious: not that you mention it…  
fknserious: there might be a tiny thing  
fknserious: see you’re very close with remus  
fknserious: i mean we all are but the two of you are like. gal pals  
roaringred: that’s mildly offensive. does it have a point?  
fknserious: well i was wondering if, and this stays strictly between us, he has said anything abt his love life lately  
fknserious: and whether he’s in a place to. experience some changes in that area  
roaringred: why can’t you ask him yourself?  
fknserious: BECAUSE  
fknserious: it’s weird?? i don’t want him to get the wrong idea  
roaringred: what idea, that you care about him? spoiler warning, but i think he already knows that  
fknserious: UGH NEVER MIND.  
roaringred: no no, i’ll talk to him, with those incredibly vague guidelines  
fknserious: you are a whole meadow of flowers in bloom, gently swaying in a summer breeze  
roaringred: so this is where james’ love letters came from. i should have known  
fknserious: well it’s a package deal, surely you knew that  
fknserious: pretty good deal, too, 3 for the price of 1? i’d take it  
roaringred: yeah yeah i made this bed and now i gotta scheme in it  
roaringred: it was only a kiss how did it end up like this etc  
fknserious: IT WAS ONLY A KISS IT WAS ONLY A KISS  
fknserious: AND THEYRE GOING TO BED AND MY STOMACH IS SICK AND SHES TOUCHING HIS DICK NOW HE TAKES OFF HER DRESS NOW LET ME GOOOOOO  
fknserious: I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING MEEEEEE  
roaringred: goodbye loser

*

**bambi deserved better**

roaringred: what the fuck is wrong with your friends  
bantlers: oh so now they’re MY friends??? that’s not what you said when pads got you a nicer present for ur bday than for mine BUT OK SURE  
roaringred: please take several seats  
roaringred: i know you love schemes but what the heck is going on rn  
roaringred: something’s up and i bet you know  
bantlers: you’re my best friend but i can’t betray my boyfriend’s trust by answering that  
roaringred: so something IS up. i knew it!  
bantlers: isn’t there always something up with us tho  
roaringred: yes but it’s not usually this messy  
bantlers: HEY that’s offensive  
roaringred: pls look up the definition of offensive  
bantlers: why am i getting hit in the head w so many dictionaries lately damn  
roaringred: damn prongs back at it again with the lack of vocabulary  
bantlers: you’re lucky i love you  
roaringred: i am, yes :)  
bantlers: ugh  
roaringred: oh btw next time i can help u get a better rating for ur nudes, hmu if u want help  
bantlers: RATING?  
bantlers: WHAT THE FUCK  
roaringred: oops  
roaringred: anyway  
roaringred: lmk when u wanna look hot on camera k bye

*

**starbux**

fknserious sent two images  
fknserious: ok 1 or 2  
bantlers: is that a stuffed dog  
fknserious: obviously I'm not going to waste nudity on a lighting test!! pay attention prongs  
bantlers: like you have a limited quantity of nudity  
bantlers: lily says drape the light whatever that means  
fknserious: ooo good tip ok  
fknserious: you should have her help you with your nudes   
bantlers: my nudes are fine!!  
fknserious: ehhhhhhh  
bantlers: im not helping you anymore

 

*

**starflower**

fknserious: (censored)  
fknserious: this better?  
roaringred: yes def. who's the lucky person, then?  
fknserious: you ;) ;)  
roaringred: sirius I love you but if you send me dick pics I will mock them relentlessly  
fknserious: ok fair

 

*

**lions den**

moonshine: wtf why is padfoot asking you and prongs for advice on his nudes and not me?? what did I do wrong???  
roaringred: why did I start dating you three  
moonshine: *pouting emoji*  
roaringred: oh don't pout they weren't even that good  
moonshine: thats even worse!!  
roaringred: how is it worse.  
roaringred: nvm I figured it out. mocking opportunities  
moonshine: im sad now

*

**$$wolf$$**

bantlers: lily says ur sad does this help  
bantlers: (censored)  
moonshine: aww youve put antlers on it  
bantlers: just 4 you  
moonshine: 6/10  
bantlers: I hate this rating system!! you lot are fkn brutal!!!  
bantlers: this is biphobia  
moonshine: mm sympathy 7 then  
bantlers: ...ill take it

 

*

**bambi deserved better**

roaringred: hang on, why is sirius suddenly being all selective abt who sees him naked  
bantlers: uh  
bantlers: no reason  
roaringred: WAIT  
bantlers: no reason!!  
roaringred: JAMES IS IT FINALLY HAPPENING  
bantlers: no idea what youre talking about  
roaringred: MY SHIP  
bantlers: what?? you have a boat???  
bantlers: lilypad where did u go??

*

**starbux**

bantlers: shit we’ve been rumbled  
bantlers: this is what you get for dating someone who is smarter than you.  
bantlers: watch tf out padfoot this is ur future flashing before ur eyes: constantly outsmarted by ur agave blossom  
bantlers: everyone's ignoring me!!!!

*

**double double (here comes trouble)**

roaringred: ok I'm reopening the betting pool. 10 galleons/bet ladies, full 40 goes to the winner  
mmarls: gotta be more specific babe  
roaringred: THE pool  
tractsofland: wait is there news??? after this long drought????  
roaringred: do your own snooping dorcas! i'm taking 12 days as The Day Remus And Sirius Finally Get Their Shit Together  
verymerry: 13 days  
roaringred: mary...  
tractsofland: come on!  
verymerry: yeah well you'll all see when I win, won't you!!  
mmarls: hmmmmm long odds on 6 days for me  
tractsofland: risky, I like it!  
mmarls: ;) ;)  
roaringred: is there no haven from flirtation  
tractsofland: nope sorry  
verymerry: youre just bitter bc you lost BIG when marlene and dorcas got together 8 days earlier than predicted  
roaringred: untrue  
roaringred: possibly true  
roaringred: im going to win this time!! my algorithm has been adjusted  
mmarls: yea we’ll see evans  
roaringred: indeed we will, mckinnon. indeed. we. will.  
tractsofland: ok well im going 7 days  
mmarls: +1ed??? by my own true love????  
tractsofland: split the winnings with you if im right  
mmarls: yeah ok  
roaringred: well it won’t matter bc im going to win  
mmarls: sure honey

*

**bambi deserved better**

bantlers: babe seriously where did you go????  
roaringred: siriusly?  
bantlers: why did i start dating you three

*

**tag urself im #squadgoals**

roaringred: prongs needs attention but im busy  
fknserious: oh NOW prongs needs attention but when sirius had lighting issues prongs was too GOOD for us/most importantly me  
bantlers: i said the draping thing!!  
fknserious: WHATEVER  
roaringred: I said the draping thing!!  
moonshine: “busy”  
roaringred: i have other things going on remus!! you don't even know!!  
moonshine: mmm. well i don't and yet no one asked me for lighting advice, so

*

**starbux**

fknserious: wait what do i say to that????  
fknserious: is he actually upset????  
fknserious: PRONGS HELP

*

**tag urself im #squadgoals**

bantlers: LOOK  
bantlers: (censored)  
fknserious: this is the future that liberals want  
moonshine: the blurriness somehow helps  
roaringred: aww cute. 3/10  
bantlers: pads what do u mean by that is that a compliment  
fknserious: no  
bantlers: :(  
bantlers: im dumping all of you  
roaringred: good luck w that  
moonshine: he’ll be back don't worry lily  
moonshine: our love is too good to give up  
fknserious: haha right

*

**starbux**

bantlers: “haha right” smooth  
fknserious: ya ok mr 3/10  
bantlers: no one appreciates me!  
bantlers: hint  
bantlers: this is the part where u go “ya wow sorry prongs thank u for saving my pathetic pining arse w a nicely timed nude”  
fknserious: its starting to occur to me that maybe sending out mass nudes was not the best way to seduce moony  
bantlers: yea bc you sent them to everYONE EXCEPT HIM  
fknserious; uM DONT YELL AT ME IT WAS YOUR IDEA  
bantlers: YA FOR YOU TO Actually send them  
bantlers: caps wasnt loud enough so it got so loud that it looped back around to lowercase!!  
fknserious: i hate this im gonna just give up and die alone  
fknserious: all alone.  
fknserious: just you, me, lily, and my platonic buddy remus.  
bantlers: just send the damn pics sirius  
fknserious: but?? what if i get anything below the deserved 11/10??  
bantlers: aw im sure you'll get more than 1/10 pads  
fknserious: um well lily rated them a 9 so fuckin there  
bantlers: WHAT

*

**bambi deserved better**

bantlers: WHAT  
bantlers: sirius got a 9 and i got a 3??????  
bantlers: a 3??????  
roaringred: mmmmmm looks like someone should have taken my lighting advice  
bantlers: *crying emoji*  
bantlers: ...is the offer still open  
roaringred: obviously   
bantlers: aww <3  
roaringred: the challenge of a lifetime  
bantlers: hey!  
roaringred: photography glamazon meets untutored ickle  
roaringred: jamie, now that we’re friends, ive decided to make you my next project  
bantlers: what  
roaringred: nvm ill be over in 2 hours and 30 min and we’ll learn to take nudes  
bantlers: oddly specific but ok

*

**starflower**

roaringred: come over i need an elphaba  
fknserious: ON IT  
fknserious: do i have time for full makeup or nah  
roaringred: nah got plans w prongs after. just floo over ill charm you green  
roaringred: i promise it will wear off in less than a week this time.  
fknserious: mhmmmmm sureeeee  
fknserious: ugh whatever its not like i have anything going on i need 2 look cute for  
roaringred: clock’s ticking save it for “im not that girl”  
fknserious: fiiine flooing  
fknserious: dibs on the good heels  
roaringred: DAMN IT  
fknserious: ha!  
roaringred: fineee just hurry!

*

**$$wolf$$**

bantlers: hey do you have any idea what lily’s doing? she disappeared on text and then sirius left the flat??  
moonshine: why do you assume the two things are connected?  
bantlers: bc when i asked where he was going he said “don’t worry your pretty little head about it prongs” which always means hanging out with lily  
moonshine: what  
bantlers: well he and lily both pretend that they dont hang out without me bc they think ill get sad and feel abandoned  
moonshine: that’s...oddly sweet in a very lily-and-sirius way  
bantlers: i kno thats why i haven’t called them on it  
bantlers: but i wanted to make sure u weren’t there bc i WILL get sad and feel abandoned if you all hang out w/o me that is NOT ALLOWED  
moonshine: well   
moonshine: no one likes me so nah im not there  
bantlers: :(((( sad moony day?  
moonshine: idk i just dont get why sirius is asking for everyone’s advice on this nudes thing except me??  
bantlers: bc he wants to make sure they’re good before you see them  
moonshine: lmaoooo yeah im sure that’s why  
moonshine: its ok im fine im just salty  
bantlers: o i hate that. i heard fruit infused water helps when ur bloated  
moonshine: never change prongs  
bantlers: *pouty emoji*  
bantlers: why do i feel like that’s sarcastic  
moonshine: *eyes emoji*  
bantlers: im coming over and bringing you a fruit so put on pants  
moonshine: says the man who has sent me multiple nudes in the last two days  
bantlers: fine dont put on pants idc. not like i havent seen ur dick  
moonshine: bring takeaway too?? :)  
bantlers: ya ok. pick a film ill be there in 20

 

*The Bet: Day 2*

**tag urself im #squadgoals**

roaringred: wait is it weird if i send nudes bc im having a good boob day  
fknserious: nah u do u lils  
roaringred: tru plus you've all seen me naked already  
bantlers: and we are better humans 4 it  
roaringred: thanks babe but ur still at a probationary 5/10  
fknserious: wait when did moony see you naked???  
bantlers: this rating system is biased against me!  
moonshine: wouldn’t u like to know  
roaringred: (censored)  
bantlers: 1000/10  
bantlers: we are your servants  
fknserious: botticelli who?  
roaringred: @ pads thx but u still can’t keep my lilac jumper  
moonshine: why are yall like this  
moonshine: i love u lils but theres been so much nudity lately  
roaringred: aw jame dw well get to u there  
roaringred: remus nice try but ur not getting out of this without complimenting me  
moonshine: pleasing aesthetic experience as always lils  
roaringred: thanx babe  
fknserious: as ALWAYS?!

*

**starbux**

fknserious: he doesnt want to see us naked???? we need a new plan STAT  
fknserious: idk how but this is your fault  
bantlers: if u could sort out ur own damn love life we wouldnt be in this position so i think youll find that you made these group chat nudes and now u gotta look at them  
fknserious: IM SORRY I LOVE YOU PLEASE HELP ME  
bantlers: its ok babe i got u  
fknserious: thank u.  
bantlers: ok so remus doesnt like nudes. what does he like?  
fknserious: sarcasm and cardigans?  
bantlers: youve known him for a decade and thats all u got  
fknserious: youve known him for just as long why dont u do better then  
bantlers: um  
bantlers: well  
bantlers: ive never tried to seduce him  
fknserious: fml

*

**starflower**

fknserious: hey so youre friends with remus right  
roaringred: oh yes my gal pal remus  
roaringred: as you would say  
fknserious: so you know who im talking about  
roaringred: yes  
roaringred: only one of you lot i actually like  
fknserious: im telling prongs you said that  
roaringred: i already told prongs i said that  
roaringred: he said ‘its ok i have padfoots love to keep me warm against ur cold indifference’ and then went to make lunch  
fknserious: i dont understand your relationship  
roaringred: what advice did u need abt remus mr relationship expert  
fknserious: ...how do you drag me before i even ask anything  
roaringred: special talent  
fknserious: ok MAYBE i wanted to know the results of your snooping into remus’ love life  
roaringred: hm i wonder why  
fknserious: pls help me james gives terrible advice  
roaringred: shocker  
roaringred: i have no idea how the two of you have ever gotten a single date  
fknserious: me: cheekbones, hair, tragic backstory; james: abs, arms, arse  
roaringred: mmmmmm true he does have Quality Attributes  
roaringred: plus dont tell him this but he’s sweet af and a great partner  
fknserious: ill tell him its from me  
roaringred: ok deal  
roaringred: bizarre hypothetical but if someday someone asks you to explain how james and i ended up together, you are to give them as little information as possible  
fknserious: that seems really unlikely considering my personality and penchant for Drama  
fknserious: ill try tho  
roaringred: sirius how did they end up 2gether?? she hated him???  
fknserious: nah she didnt  
roaringred: perfect  
roaringred: now about remus

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: so remus :) what are you up to :)  
moonshine: no  
fknserious: ?? no to what i didnt ask anything  
moonshine: mm yeah but youre about to arent you  
fknserious: maybe i just want to see how my friend is doing??  
moonshine: medium  
moonshine: whatever u need its no. i made a resolution this morning im not putting on clothes all day  
fknserious: oh  
fknserious: so you’re just...naked right now   
moonshine: yep  
moonshine: clean sheets clean me, netflix and chill all day  
fknserious: oh that  
fknserious: sounds fun  
moonshine: yeah. what did you need pads?  
fknserious: nothing nevermind i have to go  
moonshine: ...ok

*

**starflower**

fknserious: PLAN FAILED  
roaringred: how did u fuck up ‘start a generic conversation with one of your best friends’  
fknserious: he's naked?? just?? right now????  
roaringred: he usually is why do you think he takes so long to answer the door  
fknserious: what  
roaringred: well yk. you live alone, you’re naked most of the time.  
fknserious: WHAT??  
fknserious: so he just?? talks to me while hes not wearing any clothes????  
roaringred: spoiler alert most of the time james and i arent wearing any clothes either  
fknserious: this is like that tv public speaking advice except in reverse im trying to picture you all with clothes on  
roaringred: rude of you i look great naked  
fknserious: im never going to be able to talk to him again without getting flustered i hate this  
roaringred: sometimes he puts his hair up in a lil bun but he thinks you would make fun of him so he doesn’t do it in front of you  
fknserious: w hat  
roaringred: bc ur bun is so lush and full and his hair isn’t quite long enough so he gets little wispies  
roaringred: (yes i have been saving this info for when it would cause peak sexual frustration ur welcome)  
fknserious: while also naked  
roaringred: if hes reading yea. well, except for his reading glasses i guess  
fknserious: i have to go  
roaringred: have fun  
roaringred: DONT USE MY LOTION

*

**bambi deserved better**

roaringred: ur not here so im sending u this audio of my evil witch laugh  
bantlers: hot  
roaringred: im going to win this bet so hard!!  
roaringred: ps come over  
bantlers: im at the store rn getting bagels bc i had a craving  
roaringred: my parents arent home ;)  
bantlers: uh. cool? are they on a trip or something?  
roaringred: one day you will learn the memeing of life james  
bantlers: ??  
roaringred: come over i wanna fuck you  
bantlers: OH  
bantlers: what does that have to do with memes  
roaringred: starting w/o you  
bantlers: leaving the store now

 

*The Bet: Day 3*

**tag urself im #squadgoals**

moonshine: right so who finished my crisps between 3 am last night and 11 am this morning  
roaringred: technically 3 am was this morning too  
moonshine: barred. lily ur barred from the moony flat.  
bantlers: gl w that  
moonshine: who breaks into someone's flat in the middle of the night and EATS ALL THEIR FUCKING CRISPS  
moonshine: you're all ANIMALS  
roaringred: excuse u i am the one person in this chat who is NOT an animal  
moonshine: is this you confessing to the crisps theft  
roaringred: never  
moonshine: i want my keys back  
fknserious: im sorry moons ill buy you more  
moonshine: oh.  
moonshine: sirius why were you in my flat in the middle of the night  
roaringred: CAUGHT OUT  
roaringred: i bet he was watching you sleep  
roaringred: trying 2 be the edward to your jacob  
fknserious: excuse u i am the rosalie of this family  
fknserious: i didn't work this hard to be hot and mean for nothing  
bantlers: tag urself im carlisle  
roaringred: LMAO  
bantlers: what  
roaringred: sure ok babe  
fknserious: when ur bf thinks hes the hot doctor but really hes the one who cries all the time  
bantlers: unnecessary??  
fknserious: lily is jane  
roaringred: thank <3  
moonshine: still wondering why you were in my flat at 4 am ??  
fknserious: i was in your flat at the reasonable hour of 9 am to ask you if you wanted to go get breakfast, but you were sleeping and when i poked you you just muttered, 'fuck off im a werewolf' and then burrowed under the covers  
roaringred: classic remus  
moonshine: so you ate all my crisps??? whats the point of being a werewolf when you cant even warn people off your snack foods i want a refund  
fknserious: i was hungry! it's not like i could go to breakfast BY MYSELF  
bantlers: maybe invite your supposed FRIEND and ROOMMATE  
fknserious: shut up jasper  
bantlers: *mad emoji*  
fknserious: besides, i knocked and lily said "come back later james and i are about to have morning sex if he ever wakes up" which was way more info than i wanted btw  
roaringred: you've sent me multiple nudes sirius  
fknserious: i think the real problem here is that you're all prioritizing things like 'sleep' and 'sex' in front of sirius, aka the real priority  
bantlers: ur so right pads idk what we were thinking  
fknserious: anyway who needs stuff from the store while im here  
moonshine: oh. i was mostly kidding you don't need to replace them right away  
fknserious: nw im already here  
bantlers: more lube and not the shitty kind you bought last time  
fknserious: im so underappreciated.....  
bantlers: also bagels  
fknserious: didnt you go buy bagels yesterday  
bantlers: um  
roaringred: ur the hot mean one of the group! pls buy lube and also some pineapple no offense babe but u need it  
roaringred: james babe i mean  
roaringred: you other two can best evaluate if the other needs it  
moonshine: please stop i dont want any more info on ur sex life  
bantlers: ur missing out cuz its awesome  
bantlers: *fist bump emoji*  
roaringred: *fist bump emoji*  
fknserious: right so lube, a pineapple, and some crisps. good thing i have no shame or this trip might be awkward  
bantlers: dont forget my bagels  
roaringred: i suddenly desperately need a cucumber and some bananas  
bantlers: diaper rash cream  
moonshine: you're going to need it after that pineapple  
fknserious: MERLIN  
fknserious: im leaving all of you  
roaringred: it was fun while it lasted  
bantlers: dont worry you two he'll nvr replace us  
fknserious: TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT  
fknserious: EVERYTHING YOU OWN IN A BOX TO THE LEFT  
bantlers: whatever!! i am irreplaceable  
fknserious: mmmm done. https://goo.gl/images/zIap4t  
bantlers: WOW  
roaringred: ooo get that it's cute  
fknserious: -er than james  
bantlers: ...  
moonshine: hey can we actually go get breakfast after the store? im hungry and that sounds good  
roaringred: remus its 2 pm  
moonshine: your point  
fknserious: ya im in. cuter prongs is in too  
bantlers: FINE I WONT COME THEN  
roaringred: ok  
moonshine: we'd prefer the stuffed deer actually anyway  
bantlers: *loud crying emoji**loud crying emoji**loud crying emoji*  
fknserious: ok checkout person said 'enjoy your night' and winked at me so thanks for that  
roaringred: mmmmm we will ;) ;) ;)  
moonshine: go get ready for breakfast filthy sinners  
roaringred: we're all already dressed remus. you're the one still naked in the midafternoon  
moonshine: ok fair point brb  
fknserious: im this close to going back for a stuffed lioness and then phasing you out of my life  
roaringred: sure jan

*

**starflower**

fknserious: do u know how to brew amortentia  
roaringred: WHAT THE FUCK  
fknserious: NO NO HEAR ME OUT  
fknserious: I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT HIS SMELLS LIKE SO I CAN SMELL LIKE THAT  
roaringred: oh merlin’s dirty socks  
roaringred: sirius. have u tried just. asking him on a date  
fknserious: too risky  
roaringred: i cant believe u just said that  
roaringred: sirius orion black, player of pranks, taker of risks, illegal animagus, etc etc, wont ask someone out bc too risky? how on earth were you in gryffindor  
fknserious: RUDE  
roaringred: it comes with the company  
fknserious: what if he hates me and everythings ruined  
roaringred: i hate to pull logic on you, but if your friendship survived your entire personality this long its unlikely that anything can kill it  
fknserious: logic??? i don’t know a logic  
roaringred: clearly  
roaringred: just fuckin ask him

*

**lions den**

roaringred: so here's what i've found out  
roaringred: our friends are ridiculous   
moonshine: you say this like it's new information   
roaringred: fair  
roaringred: but listen. it APPEARS that someone is trying to add more romance and/or sex to the squad  
moonshine: ???? WHO  
roaringred: that's confidential soz   
moonshine: this better not be what i think it is  
moonshine: the p’s are finally ditching me and getting married   
moonshine: i always knew it couldn't last but damn  
roaringred: calm down   
roaringred: i'm marrying one of the p’s for some fkn reason so that's impossible   
moonshine: somehow that kind of pragmatic logic wasn't what i needed but thanks  
roaringred: why does everyone hate logic today????   
moonshine: oh so is that my new nickname   
roaringred: what??? no????  
roaringred: WAIT

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: oh hey i just realised u never saw my nudes  
fknserious: lily gave them 9/10 so it's good content  
moonshine: gdasdgggdfhjgddjbv  
moonshine: ok sure that's reasonable   
fknserious: (censored)

(10 minutes later)

fknserious: ok this was not the response i expected   
fknserious: hello?  
fknserious: gimme attention pls  
moonshine: 8/10  
fknserious: 8??? and????  
moonshine: good lighting, well edited, okay body. all in all a pleasant aesthetic experience 

*

**starbux**

fknserious: HES SEEN ME NAKED  
fknserious: NOW WHAT

*

**lions den**

moonshine: AAAAAA IM GAY IM SO GAY   
roaringred; i know babe what happened   
moonshine: pads sent his nudes????????????  
moonshine: listen how attracted can u be to ur best friend before it's weird   
roaringred: i hate to say this but if you're capsing abt it where he can't see it MIGHT mean something for the future of ur friendship   
moonshine: well i'm definitely quitting the group now. it was nice to know you

*

**double double (here comes trouble)**

roaringred: changing my bet to 5 days  
mmarls: CHEATING  
tractsofland: uh yeah that’s not how this works  
roaringred: this is transphobia and i won’t stand for it  
verymerry: looks like someone’s abt to lose again :)

*

**starbux**

bantlers: did he like it???  
fknserious: 8/10  
fknserious: i’m starting to see the flaws in the rating system  
bantlers: my gf gave me 3/10 i wouldn’t put too much stock in the rating tbh  
fknserious: but what do i do now???  
fknserious: you have a partner surely u did smth right at some point  
bantlers: ur faith in my abilities is touching  
bantlers: i think the next step is  
bantlers: a serenade  
fknserious: EXCELLENT

(1 hour later)

fknserious: update 1. i forgot i cant write songs 2. i sent him an mp3 file of me singing “truly madly deeply” (the cascada version) and then he sent back a 3 min 3 sec long audio of him laughing 3. i think we need a new plan  
fknserious: wait is everytime we touch better???

(10 minutes later)

fknserious: update: it wasnt

*

**$$wolf$$**

moonshine: hey do u have a tweezer i could borrow  
bantlers: hold on i’ll ask the others  
bantlers: ya pads has one and he says you can borrow it, he’ll pop over with it now  
moonshine: oh okay cheers

*

**starflower**

fknserious: mom i love him???  
roaringred: i know hun  
fknserious: he asked me for tips on how to pluck his eyebrows  
fknserious: i offered to do it for him  
roaringred: pain kink?  
fknserious: SHUT UP  
fknserious: but maybe bc i straddled him and when i did it he went pink and squirmed  
fknserious: it was both hot and adorable???? how is that legal  
roaringred: you’re so gone i’m embarrassed for you  
fknserious: you’re in love with PRONGS so i hardly think you’re one to talk tbh!!!!  
roaringred: stop kinkshaming me  
fknserious: i’ll stop if you will  
roaringred: never

*

**wolfstar**

moonshine: my eyebrows look great now thanks for the help  
fknserious: no prob :) what are friends for eh  
moonshine: clearly sitting on you and getting you through painful beauty regimes  
fknserious: haha yea

*

**starbux**

fknserious: i may never recover from the experience of sitting on a squirming moony? when i die rmr me fondly  
bantlers: sure thing mate  
fknserious: i had to hold his curls from his face!!!!!! they’re so soft!!!!!! i’m in the most pleasant hell  
bantlers: i need for you two to get together already so you’ll leave me alone  
fknserious: not gonna happen  
fknserious: when i die from sexual frustration i’ll haunt you and moan about moony’s hips  
bantlers: you’re lucky i love you  
fknserious: i rlly am  
bantlers: aww! <3  
fknserious: <3

 

*The Bet: Day 4*

**starflower**

fknserious: i need u to play along with planning a movie night in the group chat please  
roaringred: why?  
fknserious: my future and happiness depends on it  
fknserious: the rest of the plan is confidential but once it’s done you’ll know all abt it  
roaringred: and what do i get for this  
fknserious: no more nudes from me  
roaringred: we have a deal.

*

**answer my texts u dicks**

bantlers: who fancies a movie night tonight?  
fknserious: oooooh i do we haven’t watched shrek in a while  
roaringred: what abt bee movie. we can’t forget our roots  
bantlers: how abt a double feature?  
moonshine: there’s more than one shrek movie tho  
fknserious: we’ll just do an all nighter, it’ll be fun  
bantlers: yeah!!!   
bantlers: we can’t be at mine tho bc they’re redecorating  
fknserious: yes well i live there too so  
moonshine: lily?  
roaringred: no  
fknserious: please moony? it’ll be great  
moonshine: sure, we can be at mine. what time?  
bantlers: around 8 is good, right?  
fknserious: works for me  
roaringred: yeah nice!  
moonshine: i’ll start hiding the valuables right away

*

**lions den**

moonshine: so um are you on the way or????  
moonshine: lily????

*

**$$wolf$$**

moonshine: ok seriously where are you guys

*

**starbux**

fknserious: is he texting you?? hes on his phone???? while im??? right here??????  
fknserious: it better be you he better not be texting a cute boy!!!!  
bantlers: um a of all i am a cute boy  
fknserious: debatable  
bantlers: b of all chill he’s texting me and lily but she’s making us ignore him in order to give you two a chance to talk  
bantlers: well she’s making me. she TURNED HER PHONE OFF honestly i didnt know that was a setting it had  
bantlers: (and before you ask i DID say ‘this is a dumb plan and sirius will freak out’ but she said ‘you’re a dumb plan’ and then beat me at arm wrestling and then we got...distracted... for a while)  
fknserious: i didnt know lily ever unplugged. she literally texted me at 4 am yesterday bc she woke up for 2 min and had to tell me she dreamt i dyed my hair red and that she would no longer speak to me if i ever actually did it  
bantlers: yeah is0vpinIVnv  
bantlers: fuck both of you!! i TOLD james i turned it off so i wouldn’t be tempted to interfere -lily  
fknserious: hows that going  
bantlers: im confiscating james’ phone too  
fknserious: DO NOT ABANDON ME LIKE THIS  
fknserious: HE HAS THE LITTLE FOREHEAD FROWN LINE!! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!  
bantlers: ok sirius first of all you two have known each other for literally 100 years you can get through one conversation without us  
fknserious: but....there are STAKES now LILY. S T A K E S  
bantlers: bye go talk to your boyfriend  
fknserious: LILY  
fknserious: LILY COME BACK  
fknserious: how am i supposed to get him to be my boyfriend???  
fknserious: also i think i wld look good with red hair so there

*

**answer my texts u dicks**

bantlers: something came up so james and i cant make it sorry! -lily  
bantlers: ps !! i can turn my phone off and not steal other people’s!! ignore james  
bantlers: its occurring to me that you cant hear james bc i have his phone  
bantlers: so nvm  
bantlers: ok bye  
bantlers: wait...ursula the sea witch cackle!  
bantlers: now bye  
moonshine: uh ok have fun i guess  
fknserious: for real is it time for me to have a hair colour change?? lily doesnt get to monopolize cute redhead of the group indefinitely

*

**starbux**

fknserious: ok he just laughed at me and threw popcorn in my face so i think the Frown Storm is over  
fknserious: since ur not here we’re watching shrek/the little mermaid/rocky horror bc the theme of the evening is now fake redheads and moony thinks hes HILARIOUS  
fknserious: he keeps giggling its so cute hel p mee ee

 

(10 hours later)

*The Bet: Day 5*

bantlers: HOW DID IT GO WHAT HAPPENED  
bantlers: lily only just gave my phone back sorrry!!!  
bantlers: she owns my ass i’ve accepted it  
bantlers: anyway. did your ass get owned by moony or  
fknserious: no i wish :(  
bantlers: ull get there glitter-bug  
bantlers: tell me what happened tho???  
fknserious: OH MY GOD SO  
fknserious: we were watching shrek and when fiona is angsting abt the princess/ogre thing i realised it was a perfect time for some smooth seduction  
bantlers: oh no.  
fknserious: so i turned to him and said “i know this film is a meme and all but isn’t it actually p nice how it’s abt love overcoming all transformations”  
bantlers: you soppy shit  
fknserious: and he just looked at me and went “fiona’s rich though”  
fknserious: he then proceeded to analyse shrek with dialectical materialism  
fknserious: i got the weirdest boner  
bantlers: LMFAO you’re both huge nerds  
fknserious: comes with the company :)  
fknserious: anyway i’m Death n no closer to being mooned by moony, so to speak  
bantlers: UGH I HATE U  
bantlers: but ok here’s what we’re gonna do next

*

**lions den**

roaringred: sorry we couldn’t make it last night, did u have a good time? <3  
moonshine: yeah, shrek is a classic, but also pads is acting strange  
moonshine: he talked abt love overcoming transformations and when i pointed out that money unfortunately often is a factor in rships, he started shifting uncomfortably n blushing?  
moonshine: since when does sirius blush  
roaringred: yikes okay  
roaringred: he might just be embarrassed abt his background i suppose  
moonshine: i thought we’d been through that already but maybe  
roaringred: but how was it seeing him after the nudes???  
moonshine: uh  
moonshine: well  
moonshine: good.  
roaringred: still gay?  
moonshine: yup.

*

**starflower**

roaringred: i can’t believe i’m abt to say this but i think u need to be more obvious  
fknserious: more obvious than sending him nudes???  
roaringred: yes bc u losers made nudes a friend thing how’s moons supposed to know it was all for his benefit  
fknserious: oh fucking hell  
fknserious: how did i get such amazing grades with this brain  
roaringred: AMAAAZING GRADES  
roaringred: sorry anyway yeah we’ve all been wondering that  
fknserious: rude  
fknserious: brb throwing self into pit of Despair  
roaringred: enjoy

(3 hours later)

fknserious: ps when you see 'sirius black: murderer at large' in the prophet tomorrow know i was provoked  
roaringred: done  
fknserious: im a little concerned you aren't even asking who im going to murder  
roaringred: what can i say im a ride or die  
roaringred: who are you going to murder  
fknserious: gideon prewett  
roaringred: oh good  
fknserious: ??  
roaringred: the more redheads get picked off the closer i move toward the Redheaded Overlord position  
fknserious: ah. help me hide the body and ill throw fabian in as well  
roaringred: done  
roaringred: ok so why are we murdering him  
fknserious: dont get mad/tell james  
roaringred: not a solid start  
fknserious: i maybe agreed to a blind date  
roaringred: WHY  
fknserious: IDK!! bc im tired of being sad and in love w someone who doesnt love me back?? and i thought casual sex would help???  
roaringred: where does the murder come in  
fknserious: this guy he set me up w is self absorbed enough that im just sitting here at the table texting and making occasional noises of agreement and he hasn't noticed im not listening yet  
roaringred: id offer to make a fake emergency call but im mad @ u  
roaringred: this is NOT telling remus how you feel?? how did you interpret ‘be more obvious’ as ‘go on blind date w wanker’  
fknserious: idk maybe you werent clear enough  
roaringred: idk maybe you should stop criticizing my rship advice when you need a favor  
fknserious: ur a relationship goddess i am unworthy?  
fknserious: also pls dont make me ask james he'll make that disappointed mum face??  
roaringred: ugh fine

(20 minutes later)

fknserious: REALLY LILY  
roaringred: what it would be an emergency  
fknserious: do you know how hard it is not to start laughing when someone is telling you in a super grave voice that you need to rush home immediately bc your best friend has lost a vibrator up his arse  
roaringred: james has his ways of showing disapproval and i have mine  
roaringred: step 1 embarrassment step 2 yelling STOP GOING ON UNFULFILLING DATES AND JUST TELL HIM  
roaringred: ps make responsible vibrator decisions. dont be like lily and james in the scary fictional story.  
fknserious: i hate you  
roaringred: love u 2 sweetums 

 

*The Bet: Day 6*

**friends don’t let friends take bad nudes**

moonshine: ok wait how is this  
moonshine: (censored)  
moonshine: FUCK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO JUST GO TO LILY  
moonshine: JUST IGNORE ME PLEASE  
moonshine: fuck  
roaringred: mmmmmmm babe u got nothing to worry about  
roaringred: n*ce  
moonshine: fuck. just....  
bantlers: MOONY  
bantlers: lily is literally fanning herself rn  
roaringred: 100/10  
roaringred: (i still win but remus ur Killing It)  
moonshine: *distressed emoji*

*

**lions den**

moonshine: i fucked up i fucked up i fucked uppppppppp  
moonshine: he hasn’t replied why hasn’t he replied????????  
moonshine: maybe he doesn’t have his phone?? maybe i can find his phone and delete it????  
roaringred: babe chill! you looked good! sexy af!  
roaringred: this is good u wanted to send it to him anyway  
moonshine: no YOU wanted me to send it to him  
roaringred: hmmmmm maybe your subconscious wanted you to remus....i mean “accidentally”....come on babe i wasn’t born yesterday  
roaringred: you’re half muggle you know how to use a phone  
moonshine: THE CHAT NAME JUST CHANGED  
moonshine: I WAS CONFUSED  
roaringred: suuureee  
moonshine: brb googling how to fake your own death

*

**starbux**

bantlers: not to tell you what to do but you are missing a great opportunity here  
bantlers: compliment him!!! in a friend way and a gay way!!!  
bantlers: i lied im telling you what to do. text!! moony!!

(20 min later)

bantlers: sirius r u dead  
bantlers: the ONE time ur asleep at 2 am fuckin hell

(the next morning)

fknserious: why do i have like 8000 notifications  
fknserious: aww u guys can’t live without me for 8 hrs  
bantlers: you picked a bad time to have a healthy sleep schedule  
fknserious: no such thing  
bantlers: go look at group chat  
fknserious: uh ok  
fknserious: W HAT  
fknserious: WHAAA TT POAINWVKP:EN JAMES  
fknserious: WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME WHAT THE HELL  
bantlers: i thought there was no bad time to sleep  
fknserious: AOINVPEPONAVKLVNLKEANVEKLNAKVEnVPONAEPKON  
fknserious: HE HAS A BELLY BUTTON PIERCING?????  
fknserious: I’M DEAD  
fknserious: I SAT ON HIM AND DIDN’T KNOW PLEASE MURDER ME  
fknserious: WHAT DO I SAY  
bantlers: idk bro i think this ship has sailed  
fknserious: O NO  
fknserious: james i have something to tell you  
bantlers: is it that you think you’re gay  
fknserious: ITS THAT I THINK IM GAY  
fknserious: IM SO GAY  
bantlers: text moony!!!!!! i already know ur gay!!!!!!  
fknserious: ://///////// now he thinks i was ignoring his ............ i dont even know what to call that  
bantlers: tastefully framed nudity?  
fknserious: sirius-destroying missile????  
bantlers: that works too  
bantlers: honestly i thought u might have died of sexual frustration  
fknserious: HONESTLY THAT MIGHT STILL HAPPEN  
bantlers: he looks so nerdy and unassuming and yet  
bantlers: when the cardigans come off ;) ;)  
fknserious: dont objectify my boyfriend!!!  
bantlers: just go text him!!  
fknserious: i will

*

**starflower**

fknserious: hELp ME  
roaringred: finally saw the pic did you  
fknserious: im dead  
fknserious: im texting you from beyond the grave  
fknserious: i need a way to phrase “please fuck me so hard i forget my own name but also if you don’t feel the same i’d really like to preserve our friendship?? because you’re one of my favorite people??”  
roaringred: just send that  
fknserious: LILY BE SERIOUS  
roaringred: haha sirius  
fknserious: NO TIME  
roaringred: ok well rn i have remus texting me freaking out bc you ‘find his casual nudity grotesque’ and james wont stop poking me and being like ‘babe but u didnt really think moony’s pic was hotter than mine right??’ so my hands are full  
roaringred: deal w this urself  
fknserious: noooooooooOOOOOoooo  
fknserious: also you and prongs both need to fuckin Step Off and stop hitting on my man!!!  
roaringred: well someone should  
roaringred: go text him rn or im going to offer him a threesome  
fknserious: FINE

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: haha nice pic!  
fknserious: so hypothetically would you possibly be interested in dating a friend? just as like a purely academic exercise? just out of curiousity no particular reason im asking  
moonshine: i already told lily no thanks on the threesome  
fknserious: wait  
fknserious: what??

*

**starflower**

fknserious: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU EVANS  
roaringred: ;) ;) ;)  
fknserious: BACK!! OFF!!  
roaringred: hmmmm nope  
fknserious: *mad emoji*  
roaringred: oh keep your hair on he knows i was kidding  
roaringred: maybe ;)  
fknserious: I HATE YOU  
roaringred: surreeee you do

*

**starbux**

bantlers: aww pads dont be mad ud be my first choice if lils and i were actually gonna have a threesome  
fknserious: THAT ISNT WHAT IM UPSET ABOUT  
fknserious: but good to know. i have to say im a little offended you haven’t asked yet  
fknserious: i mean really im the more practical choice too as im pan and remus is full gay  
bantlers: why are you talking to me about this rather than texting moons  
fknserious: I DONT KNOW YOU STARTED IT  
bantlers: GO TEXT HIM  
fknserious: :////////

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: haha that lily  
moonshine: ha yeah  
moonshine: sorry if i made things awkward?  
moonshine: i didnt think there was such a thing in this group of exhibitionists but  
fknserious: no of course you didn’t?? i was just asleep  
moonshine: ah right  
moonshine: okay  
moonshine: well next time i’ll be more careful about which chat i pick i guess  
fknserious: or you could not be  
moonshine: ?  
fknserious: i mean...if you want to send me your nudes...i dont mind....  
moonshine: you don’t MIND?  
moonshine: wow really flattering sirius thanks

(10 minutes later)

fknserious: i didnt mean it like that  
moonshine: whatever  
moonshine: i’m used to being the ugly one in the group it’s fine  
fknserious: ??? you’re not ugly??? what  
moonshine: whatmakesyouhaha.mp3

*

**lions den**

moonshine: so to recap, i had a full breakdown over sirius’ nudes and his response to mine was “i don’t mind seeing them”  
moonshine: be more indifferent to my existence, please  
moonshine: this is TERRIBLE what if our friendship is forever ruined by my gayness  
moonshine: i hate my life  
roaringred: did he really say that??  
moonshine: yep. “i don’t mind” was his exact words.  
roaringred: oh for fuck’s sake. listen i gotta go do a thing but i love u and ur hot af

*

**starflower**

roaringred: he thinks ur indifferent!!! stop playing it cool you wanker!!!!

*

**$$wolf$$**

bantlers: listen mate you’re hot and those nudes were a work of art  
moonshine: did lily tell you to say that  
bantlers: yes but it’s true!!!! 

*

**starflower**

fknserious: OH GOD. this is a disaster  
roaringred: yeah no shit honey.  
fknserious: shut up and HELP ME  
roaringred: i’m trying to but you’re not easy to help  
fknserious: ok i’m doing damage control

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: ok first of all regarding your nudes  
moonshine: oh god ok  
fknserious: i was trying to be Cool™ but in reality i screamed  
fknserious: second of all i don’t want you to have a threesome w lily and prongs  
moonshine: okay..?

(20 minutes later)

fknserious: i want  
fknserious: shit i didn’t mean to hit send already hold on  
fknserious: i want you to have a twosome with me

*

**$$wolf$$**

moonshine: icb i’m coming to you for rship advice but wtf is a twosome  
moonshine: not asking lily bc apparently all she knows are threesomes  
bantlers: ????  
bantlers: i think it just means two ppl having sex  
moonshine: kjagdfjvvjajhvhj???!!!????  
moonshine: ok thanks. great. that’s great  
bantlers: WHAT IS HAPPENING  
bantlers: WHO WANTS TO BANG U

(20 minutes later)

bantlers: remus?????? wHO ??????  
bantlers: friends dont keep secrets cuz secrets dont keep friends!!

*

**starbux**

fknserious: i told remus i wanted to have sex and he hasn’t replied for two hours  
bantlers: oh so it was you!!! ofc....  
fknserious: it was me what  
bantlers: nothing nvm  
fknserious: not to be dramatic but i want 2 Die  
bantlers: oh hun if ur not dramatic ur not being sirius  
fknserious: IM HAVING A CRISIS HERE  
bantlers: he’s probs passed out from sheer joy and horniness  
fknserious: is it too forward to go there to check if he’s alright?  
bantlers: yes it is he doesn’t have to be glued to his phone like SOME PEOPLE  
fknserious: we are both some people   
bantlers: yeah yeah  
bantlers: lily’s gonna check on him try to keep breathing  
fknserious: fuck u prongs  
fknserious: thanks tho

*

**lions den**

roaringred: are u alive  
moonshine: yes  
roaringred: and???  
moonshine: that’s it. don’t wanna talk  
roaringred: ok lmk if i can do anything, love u  
roaringred: i’m at prongs he offers his services too

*

**friends don’t let friends send mass nudes**

fknserious: has anyone heard from remus in the last four hours???  
bantlers: last he texted me was just abt then  
fknserious: remus hello if ur reading this pls let us know you’re not dead  
roaringred: way 2 patience sirius  
fknserious: DID HE ANSWER YOU  
roaringred: he’s not dead dw  
fknserious: ???!?!??!?!  
fknserious: WHY ISNT HE TALKING TO ME

*

**$$wolf$$**

moonshine: don’t ask why but can u come over w ice cream and mean girls  
bantlers: yes ofc  
bantlers: can lily come too  
moonshine: um no i can’t handle two ppl rn. i love her but  
bantlers: no worries, see u in a minute

*

**starflower**

fknserious: you’ve heard from him???  
roaringred: yes bc i don’t scare him  
fknserious: wow fuck u  
fknserious: he’s ok????  
fknserious: he just hates me and will never speak to me again  
fknserious: that’s fine i’ll just impale myself on an old family sword or smth  
roaringred: i thought you wanted to be impaled in a different way¨  
fknserious: i hate that this cheered me up a lil bit  
roaringred: ur welcome  
fknserious: so what do i do if not die immediately???  
roaringred: give him time. u made ur move. wait for him  
fknserious: ugh i HATE waiting  
fknserious: but i guess that makes sense  
roaringred: i always do  
fknserious: hes not repulsed tho???  
roaringred: sirius find ur chill pls  
fknserious: NEVE ER  
roaringred: im passing u over to ur other parent mum is tired  
fknserious: FINE i like him better ANYWAY  
roaringred: sureeeee

*

**starbux**

bantlers: i can’t say much but i think it’s all gonna be fine pads  
fknserious: U CANT JUST SAY THAT AND NO MORE  
fknserious: HOW AM I GONNA SLEEP  
bantlers: i’ll hit u in the head w the toaster  
fknserious: ur a real friend

 

*The Bet: Day 7*

**wolfstar**

moonshine: so about that twosome  
fknserious: OH MY GOD FINALLY  
fknserious: i mean hi nice to hear from u !  
fknserious: after a completely reasonable interval !  
moonshine: ...ok  
fknserious: haha you were saying?  
moonshine: u rly want to have sex w me? like as friends?  
fknserious: yes definitely yes if u want to  
moonshine: uh yeah that sounds nice  
moonshine: i mean our friendship survived a lot over the years so surely it won’t get weird  
fknserious: not weirder than sex with me always is ;)  
moonshine: *blushing wide eyes emoji*  
fknserious: so when do you want to do this bc  
fknserious: i’m ready  
moonshine: give me two hours and come over then  
fknserious: cool

*

**lions den**

moonshine: PADS WANTS TO BANG ME AND IS COMING OVER TO DO SO IN TWO HOURS  
moonshine: WHAT DO I DO  
moonshine: WHAT IF IM TERRIBLE  
roaringred: unlikely  
moonshine: HELPPPP  
roaringred: just take off all ur clothes and say ‘my body is ready’  
moonshine: ...  
moonshine: does that work?  
moonshine: nvm i dont want to know  
roaringred: ;) ;) ;)  
moonshine: BE HELPFUL LILY

(2 minutes later)

moonshine: ok im just gonna go set myself on fire goodbye cruel world

*

**starbux**

fknserious: IM GOING TO MOONS TO HAVE SEX AS FRIENDS IN TWO HOURS???  
fknserious: SEND HELP IM DYING  
bantlers: don’t die before you have sex that seems unnecessary  
fknserious: thanks for the support asshole

*

**starflower**

fknserious: please help me prongs is useless  
roaringred: preaching to the choir there pal  
fknserious: i propositioned moony but he thinks it’s a fwb thing??  
roaringred: fucking hell  
roaringred: james only told me the propositioning part WHY WOULD YOU SAY ‘AS FRIENDS’  
fknserious: i panicked!! i didn’t want to come on too strong  
roaringred: so ‘come over here and fuck me big boy’ was doable but ‘hey maybe we could go out on a date some time’ was a bridge too far  
fknserious: exactly  
roaringred: you are a human disaster  
fknserious: tell me how to fix it!!  
roaringred: do it then tell him u wanna have his babies  
fknserious: that sounds scary but at least it’s an actual plan. cheers  
roaringred: why don’t any of you pay me  
fknserious: bc you can’t put a price tag on love ;)  
fknserious: ok i gotta shower and stuff now  
roaringred: rmr to clean ur asshole  
fknserious: yeah i got it thanks.  
roaringred: :)

*

**lions den**

roaringred: whoa ok chill  
roaringred: this is good!!! it’s progress!!!   
moonshine: or it’s a recipe for disaster  
moonshine: whichever  
moonshine: how many friendships have been ruined by fwb stuff??  
roaringred: sirius slept in your bed regularly our entire time at hogwarts  
roaringred: if jizzing in your sleep next to each other didn’t ruin the friendship i think jizzing in/on each other won’t either  
moonshine: thanks for that very crude perspective  
roaringred: no problem :)  
moonshine: but what if i’m bad at it  
roaringred: then he’ll keep loving you either way  
moonshine: yeah but like in a pity way  
moonshine: we all know how good he is in bed  
roaringred: pls don’t remind me  
roaringred: i’m trying to erase that from my sound memory  
roaringred: ANYWAY, more to the point, you won’t be bad at it  
moonshine: how do you know  
roaringred: i have my sources  
moonshine: oh god  
moonshine: i gotta shower now goodbye  
roaringred: rmr to wash ur asshole!  
moonshine: but ur not here  
roaringred: wow. this is the thanks i get

*

**starbux**

fknserious: this is it  
fknserious: i’m ruined for everyone else  
fknserious: fuck  
bantlers: IT WAS GOOD?? what did you do, how did it go, did you tell him you wanna have his ababies  
fknserious: ababies lol  
fknserious: how detailed do you want me to be  
bantlers: lily says every detail  
fknserious: well you’re not getting every detail some things are private  
fknserious: we had sex. yikes that feels surreal to say  
fknserious: it was?? incredible?? i mean it was also awkward and we were both nervous but it’s us, you know? we got over it  
fknserious: afterwards he just said ‘i really appreciate this friendship’ and sorta laughed  
fknserious: so i just said ‘me too’ and kissed his shoulder  
bantlers: shoulder kissing? that’s gay  
bantlers: but more importantly what the fuck is wrong with you  
fknserious: NOTHING IS WRONG W ME IM AS WELL FUCKED AS ILL EVER BE  
bantlers: ok i’m glad you didn’t share more detail  
bantlers: but why did you go along w the friendship bit??? you love him  
fknserious: yes but  
fknserious: i really want us to keep having sex  
fknserious: and if he wants it to be friend thing i will endure it bc WORTH IT  
bantlers: hiding things from your friends isn’t good pads  
fknserious: thx for the advice i’m showing you my ass next time i see you

*

**lions den**

moonshine: im ready for death.  
roaringred: that bad eh?  
moonshine: EXCUSE U it was great which is why i need to fling myself off a cliff  
roaringred: i’ll probably regret asking but pls explain  
moonshine: well i’m in love w him????   
moonshine: so that’s the end of me  
roaringred: i have another regrettable question: have you told him  
moonshine: LMAO NO  
moonshine: actually maybe my deathwish isn’t that strong yet. good point  
roaringred: so what happened  
moonshine: well we had sex, although calling it sex seems trivializing bc it was so much more than that  
moonshine: we know each other so well but not like that, so it was an incredible mix of familiarity and newness  
moonshine: i didn’t even know bodies could do that tbh  
moonshine: HE’S SO BEAUTIFULLL urughghghghhhhhhhh  
moonshine: and after my mind, heart, soul, and entire existence had been blown i felt like i needed to be cool  
roaringred: oh no  
moonshine: so i said ‘i really appreciate this friendship’  
moonshine: and he kissed my shoulder and said ‘me too’  
roaringred: remus why  
moonshine: so that’s that. i’m a beneficial friend.  
roaringred: have you considered maybe telling him the truth  
moonshine: i wanna suck his diiiiiiiick   
moonshine: for the rest of my life  
moonshine: i crave that mineral  
moonshine: if u know what i mean  
roaringred: yeah  
roaringred: i take supplements for that

*

**bambi deserved better**

bantlers: at what point should we tell them that we both know pretty much everything  
bantlers: and that this “fwb” thing is merely a flimsy pretense  
roaringred: does it make me a bad person if i say ‘not yet this is fun’  
bantlers: no, it makes you the girl i love  
roaringred: aw  
roaringred: sidenote we’re having mindblowing sex tonight wash ur asshole  
bantlers: omg??? what’s happening to my asshole  
roaringred: well if you wash it the sky’s the limit  
bantlers: bye see you later  
roaringred: tyt i have some stuff to sort

*

**double double (here comes trouble)**

roaringred: ugh ok i can’t believe i have to ask this AGAIN but where do we land on fwb type situations re: the bet  
verymerry: oh no. sirius baby. why.  
roaringred: if u can believe it remus started it  
roaringred: nudes in the group chat  
mmarls: um  
mmarls: can we see??????  
tractsofland: id be offended that you want to see other ppl naked but tbh same  
roaringred: WOW  
verymerry: well  
verymerry: i mean if he says it’s ok i wouldn’t say NO  
roaringred: you three are filthy i love you  
roaringred: ok ill ask him  
mmarls: YESSSSSS

*

**lions den**

roaringred: ok remus the ladies wanna see ur nudes  
moonshine: what  
roaringred: what can i say it’s good content  
moonshine: what ladies?????  
roaringred: marlene, dorcas, and mary  
moonshine: WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY NUDES  
roaringred: uh  
roaringred: no reason  
moonshine: you lot are betting on my love life aren’t you  
roaringred: maybe  
roaringred :) love you  
moonshine: i want a cut of the profits  
roaringred: only if you ask sirius to be your real boyfriend  
moonshine: :////////  
roaringred: oh come on it’s not like he’ll say NO  
moonshine: um it’s VERY MUCH like he might say no???  
roaringred: so...nudes?  
moonshine: NO LILY YOU CANNOT MASS TEXT OUT MY NUDES  
roaringred: worth a shot  
moonshine: ffs

*

**double double (here comes trouble)**

roaringred: sorry ladies no nudes for you  
mmarls: boooooooo  
verymerry: ah well u tried  
tractsofland: how were they tho????  
roaringred: uh well  
roaringred: i may have not entirely jokingly offered him a threesome  
mmarls: I KNEW IT  
mmarls: i mean he’s already ..... with clothes on  
roaringred: well  
roaringred: ok you three can talk abt how you want to bang remus later, i still need a decision on fwb vs actual boyfriends  
mmarls: i say it counts  
tractsofland: of course you do  
mmarls: well i win if fwb counts, dont i?  
mmarls: what was the exact time they fucked  
roaringred: roughly 170 hours post bet, according to my texts/rough estimation  
tractsofland: HA!  
mmarls: right so that means i win  
tractsofland: hmmm babe i think you’ll find it’s actually been just over seven days so that would mean i win  
mmarls: :(  
mmarls: what is time  
roaringred: we may never know  
tractsofland: also for those at home; marlene bought me a cake on the 1st anniversary of the first time we slept together ~as friends~ (lmao @ past us)  
tractsofland: so i suppose she’s consistent at least  
mmarls: you didn’t say the best part!!  
tractsofland: sigh  
tractsofland: the cake said “eat me ;)”  
tractsofland: and then she did  
mmarls: ahahaha classic  
verymerry: i say fwb doesn’t count  
mmarls: well obviously bc then you LOSE  
roaringred: ok well james just got out of the shower so i gotta go  
tractsofland: just him or remus as well?  
roaringred: shut it dorcas  
verymerry: ok well since im the only one not abt to go have wildly satisfying sex w my s/o, i say fwb does not count  
tractsofland: boooooooooo  
tractsofland: fine but only if i still win as long as the boyfriend ask comes closer to 8 days than to 12  
verymerry: fair  
tractsofland: it’s a deal then  
mmarls: this is so disappointing i thought my fake boyfriend sirius would come through for me  
mmarls: im going to text him and complain  
tractsofland: do it after the wildly satisfying sex  
mmarls: FINE I GUESS  
verymerry: im glad all of you are happy (she said bitterly, with a bitter expression)  
mmarls: maybe lily will invite you for a threesome since that’s her new thing  
mmarls: booooo she’s already gone  
tractsofland: marlene has to go now her phone is being confiscated  
verymerry: have fun w the sex  
tractsofland: thanx we will

*

**catwalk 4 a closet**

mmarls: wtf why haven’t you asked remus to be your boyfriend yet

 

(11 hours later)

*The Bet: Day 8*

fknserious: ??????  
fknserious: marlene i haven’t spoken to you in 6 months wtf  
mmarls: hi sirius how’ve you been  
fknserious: great thank you  
mmarls: ‘great’  
fknserious: YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE  
mmarls: JUST ASK HIM  
fknserious: go away!!!  
mmarls: ok ill go away  
fknserious: why do i feel like it isn’t that simple  
mmarls: away 2 my girlfriend, who i live with  
mmarls: because i asked her to be my girlfriend  
mmarls: officially  
fknserious: ya after spiralling out abt how you felt about her and shagging all the girls on the quidditch team   
mmarls: IRRELLEVANT  
fknserious: leave me aloneeeee im already getting this from prongs and lily  
mmarls: hmmmm maybe you should listen to them and stop being a bag of dicks  
fknserious: i will NEVER stop being a bag of dicks  
mmarls: also if you could do it in the next three or so days that would be great  
fknserious: uh...why???  
mmarls: no reason

*

**starflower**

fknserious: ok a of all why is marlene mckinnon texting me and b of all how does she know about me and remus???  
roaringred: you and remus in what sense?  
fknserious: YOU KNOW  
roaringred: hmmm...  
fknserious: i hate you  
roaringred: *angel emoji*  
fknserious: *angry devil emoji* *crying emoji*  
roaringred: remus your good friend who you thought you would buy a crop top that says “f#ck buddies” on it  
roaringred: way to jump the gun ps you two have fucked like twice??  
fknserious: ...he told you about the crop top?  
roaringred: he called me at 2 am after u left  
roaringred: yelled so loud that he woke james up  
fknserious: he said he liked it!!  
roaringred: because he thinks you are just screwing around!!!  
fknserious: but im not!!!  
roaringred: TELL! HIM! THAT!  
roaringred: fucking hell sirius im so done w your shit i dont even want to win this bet enough to drag things out another 3 days  
roaringred: shit i mean  
fknserious: WH AT  
roaringred: oops i gotta go love you talk to remus!! bye

*

**starbux**

fknserious: your girlfriend is an evil succubus  
fknserious: AND she’s ignoring my texts  
bantlers: personally i think ‘evil succubus’ is redundant  
bantlers: but lily says thank u for the complement  
fknserious: SHES BETTING ON MY LOVE LIFE!!  
bantlers: ??  
fknserious: useless both of you  
bantlers: at least i didnt buy the person im in love with a fuck buddies crop top  
fknserious: HE SAID IT WAS FUNNY  
bantlers: babe i love u but pls check urself b4 u wreck urself  
fknserious: i came out to have a good time and honestly im feeling pretty attacked right now  
bantlers: aww im sorry. i just want u to b happy  
fknserious: FFS ITS A MEME JAMES  
bantlers: whats a meme james?  
fknserious: goodbye!!  
bantlers: i asked lily and she laughed at me so I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY SIRIUS I REALLY DO  
fknserious: actually that does help a little thanks prongs  
bantlers: WHATEVER

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: did you know that lily evans soon to be evans-potter is Pure Evil  
moonshine: um obviously that’s why i like her  
fknserious: she’s betting on us!!! di dyou know THAT??? how do you like her NOW???  
moonshine: ha yeah i knew  
fknserious: WHAT  
fknserious: BETRAYED BY MY OWN  
moonshine: your own what, sirius?  
fknserious: uhm  
moonshine: say it. out loud.  
fknserious: vampire  
moonshine: damn, caught out  
fknserious: i can’t even believe this  
moonshine: oh yeah. it’s a whole thing. marlene and dorcas and mary are in on it too  
fknserious: WHAT  
moonshine: lily tried to show them my nudes earlier lmao  
fknserious: WHAT!!!!!  
fknserious: hang on

*

**catwalk 4 a closet**

fknserious: STOP HITTING ON MY MAN!!! YOU CANNOT SEE HIM NAKED IT’S NOT ALLOWED!!!  
mmarls: oh calm down  
fknserious: NEVER  
mmarls: he said no anyway  
fknserious: GOOD. STILL  
mmarls: i mean u cant blame us  
mmarls: remus is hot af  
fknserious: WELL TOO BAD HE’S TAKEN THEN ISN’T IT  
mmarls: so you asked him???????!!! wait did you really????  
fknserious: who wins the bet if i did?  
mmarls: dorcas for the next 3 days, then lily for 3 days, then mary after that  
fknserious: THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YES I DID  
fknserious: REMUS IS MY BOYFRIEND NOW  
fknserious: SO THERE  
mmarls: somehow i dont believe you  
mmarls: im gonna need some proof  
mmarls: preferably nudes  
fknserious: STOP *mad emoji*   
mmarls: *crying laughing emoji*

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: vultures all of them!!!  
fknserious: trying 2 peek at you!!!!  
moonshine: i think they were probably just curious  
fknserious: ???  
moonshine: idk, the novelty of a naked werewolf i guess?  
fknserious: ?????  
moonshine: what?  
fknserious: moony they want to see you naked bc you’re, and i quote, ‘hot af’  
moonshine: ?? source??  
moonshine: no  
moonshine: you’re making this up  
fknserious: well i would send you a screenshot except  
fknserious: ok i may have made a slightly impulsive and irrational decision  
moonshine: wait you???? sirius black??? impulsive????? NEVER  
fknserious: shut up!!  
moonshine: what did u do  
fknserious: ok well just  
fknserious: *screenshot sent*  
moonshine: oh sirius  
fknserious: WELL  
fknserious: lily can’t win come on remus  
moonshine: it seems like the more logical option would be to just wait out the next six days  
fknserious: oh  
fknserious: i mean i guess if that’s what you want  
moonshine: if that’s what i want?? what do you mean if that’s what i want??  
fknserious: well  
fknserious: you could be my boyfriend instead  
fknserious: if you wanted  
moonshine: ....  
moonshine: if i  
moonshine: what  
moonshine: you literally bought me a crop top that says fuck buddies sirius  
moonshine: that doesn’t really scream boyfriends  
fknserious: it was supposed to be a joke!!  
fknserious: and an excuse to get to see ur piercing more often  
moonshine: putting dye in james’ shampoo is a joke!! telling lily the bakery has free cupcakes and then leaving the country for a few days to avoid retaliation is a joke!!  
fknserious: if i buy you a crop top that says boyfriend will you forgive me/be my boyfriend?  
moonshine: are you serious  
fknserious: um  
fknserious: serious enough that im not making a joke now???  
moonshine: is this just to make sure lily doesn’t win the bet?  
fknserious: no that’s just an added bonus  
fknserious: if i wanted that id ask you to be my PRETEND boyfriend  
moonshine: get me that crop top and we’ll talk  
fknserious: wait really???  
moonshine: offer expires in 3 days  
fknserious: ok i gotta go shop ttyl

*

**starbux**

fknserious: (censored)  
fknserious: what in penetration  
bantlers: what the fuck  
bantlers: idk what that means but also since when do you have that ugly hat  
fknserious: got it special just for you :)  
bantlers: wow i feel so good about being your friend  
fknserious: don’t i know it  
fknserious: ok now that’s done i have a moon to swoon so bye  
bantlers: GOOD LUCK xoxo ur buck

*

**dick squad**

fknserious: not to brag but absolutely to brag LOOK AT ME AND MY BOYFRIEND!!!  
fknserious: (selfie with remus in the crop top)  
bantlers: aw finally!!!!   
roaringred: well it’s about time  
roaringred: congratulations losers  
moonshine: this is the last time you get to see my belly button piercing so take a good long look  
roaringred: can i send THIS to the gals  
fknserious: he just rolled his eyes and sighed  
moonshine: i GUESS  
roaringred: they’re gonna be thrilled  
roaringred: well except the ones who lost the bet  
roaringred: actually shit i lost the bet  
fknserious: THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR BETTING ON YOUR FRIENDS  
roaringred: ok mr ‘ill give you a galleon if you ask evans if her legs are tired bc she’s been running thru your mind all day’  
fknserious: he wanted to do it anyway  
fknserious: i mean it was only a galleon  
bantlers: and then she shoved me in the lake <3  
roaringred: if i murder james and sirius and split the winnings w you will you lie and say you two got together in just over 3 days  
moonshine: sure  
fknserious: WOW  
moonshine: well we can’t have witnesses left behind  
moonshine: sorry pads it was fun while it lasted  
moonshine: noOO HES TICkLINSG mE HELP  
roaringred: go do ur foreplay elsewhere pls

(10 minutes later)

bantlers: if i agree to lie will you not murder me  
roaringred: mm i suppose you’re worth keeping around  
bantlers: awwwwww <3

*

**starbux**

bantlers: are u not coming home tonight

(1 hr later)

bantlers: is this how it’s going to be from now on

(2 hrs later)

fknserious: soz i was busy ^^  
bantlers: yeah yeah  
fknserious: aw don’t be jealous   
fknserious: you know i love you even if i don’t want to eat you out  
bantlers: that is comforting thank you  
fknserious: ofc. good night babe  
bantlers: night stud muffin

 

*The Bet: Day 9*

**wolfstar**

moonshine: maybe we should switch names  
fknserious: what  
moonshine: bc while u may be fkn serious, i am fucking sirius  
fknserious: LMAOOO STOP

*

**dick squad**

fuckinsirius: hey how’s it going  
fknserious: i’m dating a nerd otherwise good  
bantlers: what’s going on  
bantlers: oh yikes i hate you both  
bantlers: hey we should change our names too  
roaringred: i’m not changing to bantlersfucker   
fknserious: HA! we win  
bantlers: love is not a contest pads  
fuckinsirius: no, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah  
fknserious: ALL U SINNERS STAND UP SING HALLELUJAH  
roaringred: (hallelujah)  
bantlers: i’m never showing you my amazing nudes again  
fknserious: oh hey you know what my laundry and my bf have in common  
fknserious: both are hung  
fuckinsirius: MERLIN  
fuckinsirius: see if i’ll fuck u again  
bantlers: literally all of us have seen ur dick moony this is old news  
fknserious: BUT ITS A GOOD JOKE  
roaringred: yeah it’s not  
roaringred: hmu if you make a sex tape tho  
bantlers: um your bf is right here?? to make all the sex tapes you need???  
roaringred: its not for me it’s for marlene and mary and dorcas  
roaringred: mostly  
fuckinsirius: lily pls control your thirst  
fknserious: prongs our sex tape is so much better than any u could ever make it’s not even funny  
roaringred: oh so there IS a sex tape!  
fuckinsirius: im cutting this off now. nudes was enough! pls can we not share sex vids in group chat  
roaringred: boring  
fknserious: plus no one wants to see prongs having sex  
bantlers: im finding new friends  
fuckinsirius: ok but we’re not gonna invite you to the orgy then  
fknserious: LMAO  
roaringred: ok done. orgy at your place, no james  
bantlers: i think ull find that’s a threesome, then. no orgy without james. congrats u played urselves

(20 minutes later)

bantlers: wait are u really hanging out without me???  
bantlers: you better not be watching bake-off that is a FULL GROUP ACTIVITY  
roaringred: ha! classic mary berry  
bantlers: WHAT  
fuckinsirius: i know! she’s really the heart of the show, isn’t she?  
bantlers: *mad emoji* *crying emoji*  
fknserious: they’re just kidding prongs we’re watching 100 layers challenges on youtube  
bantlers: idk what that is but im coming over  
fuckinsirius: we’re at mine so standard snack food entry fee  
bantlers: q up bakeoff  
roaringred: already done

 

*The Bet: Day 10*

**dick squad**

bantlers: so is this how it’s gonna be from now on  
bantlers: pads is never home bc hes busy licking body chocolate off moony’s piercing  
bantlers: :(   
fuckinsirius: body chocolate is gross i’d never allow that  
roaringred: let them have this babe rmr how we were  
fknserious: what do u mean “were”  
fuckinsirius: yes? did you want smth?  
bantlers: haha v funny  
bantlers: stop monopolizing pads!!!!  
fuckinsirius: i hate to come between the greatest love story of the century but you’ve lived w him for a decade. can i have him for at least the honeymoon phase  
fknserious: can i have a say in the maybe???  
fknserious: 1st things 1st i’ll eat ya brains  
fknserious: ok no but 1. love u prongsie but ur not as great at making me come 2. there’ll be no ‘phase’ i’ll never stop bein gross this is ur only warning  
roaringred: ok so the orgy is off the table?  
fuckinsirius: oh for fuck’s sake. it was never on the table!!!  
fknserious: unlike me ;)  
bantlers: ok fine :( have fun be safe love u both

*

**wolfstar**

fuckinsirius: ugh i miss u already  
fknserious: me 2 :( prongs is pouting at me he’s so needy  
fuckinsirius: they can get like that at his age  
fknserious: ew stop i was abt to send u smth dirty  
fuckinsirius: fuck  
fuckinsirius: how do i make that happen  
fknserious: send a pic of ur piercing  
fuckinsirius: (censored)  
fknserious: fuck  
fknserious: i keep thinking i’ve become used to it and then it hits me all over again  
fknserious: put this in the louvre  
fuckinsirius: is this what you meant by dirty  
fuckinsirius: tho i gotta admit picturing you jerking off in the louvre is kinda hot  
fknserious: FUCK  
fknserious: i just  
fknserious: i wanna come all over that and lick it off  
fuckinsirius: and then kiss me?  
fknserious: mm yeah  
fuckinsirius: is prongs still in the same room  
fknserious: hold on im going somewhere private  
fknserious: (censored)  
fuckinsirius: I CANNOT BELIEVE  
fuckinsirius: i get to touch that  
fknserious: and u do it so well  
fuckinsirius: do u wanna facetime  
fknserious: definitely

*

**starflower**

roaringred: ok i cant hear sex noises anymore so come out here and love ur boyfriend hes sad  
fknserious: so now he’s my boyfriend??  
roaringred: just do it asshole

*

**$$wolf$$**

 

*The Bet: Day 11*

**lions den**

roaringred: i feel like ive created a monster  
fuckinsirius: no i was that already when u met me  
roaringred: stop that ur not a monster  
roaringred: i meant james  
roaringred: i wanted u n pads to get together but now james is extra needy  
fuckinsirius: lucky he has you then  
roaringred: he asked me to transfigure the kettle into a hedgehog today  
roaringred: when i said no he went ‘sirius would have’ and pouted until i did it  
roaringred: then he gave the hedgehog MILK and it pooped all over the floor  
fuckinsirius: i don’t even know what to say to that  
roaringred: how about ‘wow lily what a hardship, keep the money when u win the bet’?  
fuckinsirius: lol no  
fuckinsirius: im workin hard for that  
roaringred: yeah ill bet, horse cock  
fuckinsirius: rude

*

**love shack**

fuckinsirius: what’s better than a cheeky nando’s with the lads  
roaringred: guys being dudes?  
fknserious: oh i know this one  
fknserious: a cheeky nando’s with the PADS LMAO  
fuckinsirius: oh hey speaking of, how abt we all go  
bantlers: all four of us???   
fknserious: it’s not cheeky if ur not there my deerest  
roaringred: i’m in  
fuckinsirius: see u at our usual one at 4?  
bantlers: ill wear a red rose so u know its me  
fknserious: like i could ever forget ur beautiful face  
roaringred: ill bring the lube so u two can fuck right there in the loos  
fknserious: aw thanks lils :)  
bantlers: yeah cheers  
fuckinsirius: tag urself im this group’s complete lack of boundaries  
fknserious: #relationshipgoals

*

**$$wolf$$**

fuckinsirius: i thought i was used to being in love n alone but now its like within reach its unbearable???  
fuckinsirius: how do u do this ‘happiness’ thing  
bantlers: oh so now my relationship advice is good enough??  
fuckinsirius: i can take it to lily if u prefer  
bantlers: no no i’ll handle this tyvm  
bantlers: ha padfoot is making a mad face  
bantlers: ‘what the fuck why are you ignoring me after you dragged me over here away from my loving boyfriend’  
fuckinsirius: aw <3  
fuckinsirius: hes so whiny all the time i love it  
bantlers: ‘wAIT YOURE TALKING TO MOONY?!’  
fuckinsirius: is he reading over your shoulder  
bantlers: ya  
fuckinsirius: stop eavesdropping or im not putting out  
bantlers: ok ur good he screeched and ran into the kitchen  
bantlers: liar  
fuckinsirius: yep i would have put out anyway what can i say its sirius  
bantlers: aww ur in a sirius relationship!  
fuckinsirius: MERLIN  
fuckinsirius: ok this was weirdly helpful ty prongs  
bantlers: any time pal  
bantlers: im going to go let padfoot out of the kitchen before he scratches up the cabinets

*

**wolfstar**

fknserious: ok prongs is asleep i’m coming over in a minute!!  
fuckinsirius: nice i’ll start melting the chocolate  
fknserious: wait what??? i thought u said ‘this body chocolate is disgusting what happened to standards’  
fuckinsirius: ya thats why you’re eating it this time  
fknserious: *blushing wide eyes emoji*  
fknserious: ok  
fknserious: i have no standards when it comes to eating stuff off u  
fuckinsirius: mmm ive noticed

 

*The Bet: Day 12*

**double double (here comes trouble)**

roaringred: (boyfriend selfie)  
roaringred: aww look finally! :)  
mmarls: suspicious that this happened right as we switched over to day 12  
roaringred: pure coincidence i assure you  
tractsofland: sure  
mmarls: lily evans you are a giant cheater  
roaringred: i would NEVER  
tractsofland: p sure i win  
mmarls: YES  
roaringred: nope i win and both remus and sirius will confirm  
mmarls: yeah im guessing bc you bribed them  
mmarls: i demand an impartial third party!  
verymerry: while we’re calling fault, why am i the only one who isn’t colluding  
roaringred: idk what either of you mean tbh im just happy my friends got together :)  
tractsofland: LMAO  
tractsofland: playing innocent thats a new one evans  
roaringred: i dont know this ‘playing?’ i am only a newborn baby deer  
verymerry: i move that i win by default bc marlene and dorcas tried to double their odds by teaming up and lily is resorting to bribery  
roaringred: how dare?? i have never heard of a bribery???  
roaringred: unrelated i need to win or ill owe remus 20 galleons  
verymerry: CORRUPTION  
mmarls: what is this the ministry of magic???  
mmarls: i have never seen such blatant disregard of ethics  
verymerry: ya ok ms. bribing the winner w sex  
tractsofland: SO YOU ADMIT IT  
tractsofland: YOU ADMIT THAT IM THE WINNER  
verymerry: so YOU admit that she’s bribing you with sex  
tractsofland: she’s bribing me w her love and affection  
tractsofland: the sex is just a bonus  
mmarls: awwww <3  
tractsofland: <3  
roaringred: i did not put in this much damn work to lose this bet??  
roaringred: hows this, im gonna start forwarding everyones relationships Complaining to whoever wins  
roaringred: see how u like being lily motherfucking evans for a day  
verymerry: do we get james’ sexts as well  
roaringred: u dont want those either trust me  
mmarls: LMAO DRAG HIM  
mmarls: pls dont tho ive talked 2 sirius enough for the next 6 months or so  
roaringred: WELL DO YOU ADMIT I WIN THEN  
verymerry: um by cheating??  
roaringred: well u could have won if ud cared enough to cheat, mary  
mmarls: yeah mary your lack of investment in this bet is kinda sad  
verymerry: fuck all of you very much :)  
tractsofland: i won fair and square just sayin  
roaringred: UGH FINE  
roaringred: but im claiming a 20 galleon royalty  
mmarls: uh how are you entitled to that  
roaringred: i built them from NOTHING!! NOTHING!!! they were ‘best friends lmao that’s it u guys stop it’ for 10 years before i intervened  
verymerry: that sounds fake but ok  
tractsofland: ill give u 10  
tractsofland: from marlene’s share  
mmarls: WOW  
roaringred: deal  
mmarls: im quitting the group  
tractsofland: and then what ;)  
verymerry: sext elsewhere pls  
tractsofland: only if you withdraw your objection  
verymerry: FINE  
verymerry: but we’re having someone arbitrate next time i dont trust u lot  
roaringred: fair  
mmarls: sounds fair tbh  
tractsofland: k marls and i are gonna go have victory sex im owling u the 10 lils  
roaringred: n*ce  
roaringred: now i just need to find 10 more galleons  
roaringred: hey mary want to bet on something  
verymerry: not w u  
roaringred: rude

*

**love shack**

roaringred: SURPRISE BITCH  
roaringred: I BET YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN THE LAST OF ME  
roaringred: (censored)

-FIN-


End file.
